(I know you just sang that in your head) - Corny header though hey? I enjoy it. Anyways..
So, I currently feel like garbage. Craptastic eating, next to zero working out, crappy quality sleep, EATING SO MUCH SUGAR I CAN BARELY STAND IT, and a stress overload. The last few months have been so crazy busy at work, and in my life with the move and being a home owner, that I completely let my "self care" go out the window. All of these other things became the priority because I had to get it all dealt with. But did I really have to let my self care out the window? Or did I choose to?
SO as I've written about a bit, I've been going through a lot of transition in my life. Lotsa stuff a changin' and lots of "chapters" coming to an end. I've found myself doing some self reflecting if you will, and realizing some interesting trends in my life. For one, I seem to have this nasty habit of partaking in some self sabotage type habits - like for my own whacky reasons I sometimes sabotage myself when I'm taking really good care of myself. Hey don't judge I think lots of us may do that... One may ask... WHY would anyone not want themselves to be successful? Why would someone be getting further toward some sort of goal, be it career, or a healthy happy relationship, or getting to that jacked lean rockin' bod they've always wanted, and then screw it up for themselves? That seems like silliness doesn't it?
Welp! I think many of us do that! For me (and I'm gunna get personal and a little vulnerable here...I wrote about doing that didn't I?!) I've always yo-yo'd a bit with my weight. I love being active, I love working out, I love being healthy, and I love watching my body change. And then for some reason it stalls. The program I'm doing ends, or I go on vacation OR, things "get busy" and it all goes down the drain. A few months, or years go by and I'm back feeling like garbage again. The same thing has happened in relationships, and in my career quests as well... So why does that keep happening?
Well. Because I don't think I'm worth it. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm hanging out having a rocking saturday night in with Dexter watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix, and am thinking "you know Elyse... You're really not worth taking care of, or being healthy or having an awesome career, having a healthy loving awesome relationship, or any of those things you're working towards. Yaaa you may as well just throw in the towel". It's not a conscious thought. It's not blatant and obvious. But it's there... Dwelling around in my thoughts, in the form of worries, doubts, and rude self thoughts.
When I'm thinking things like "ugh, I look so fat in this ____" or "I'm never going to reach my goal" "who is ever going to work with me, I'm never going to be able to create a career I love" or "IM GOING TO BE ALONE FOREEVVVERRRRR"(just kidding - I don't think that last one.. I've got Dexter..). But seriously. I've had thoughts, worrying I'll never meet a guy with everything I'm looking for, that will treat me well and all that other awesome jazz. These aren't even thoughts I have all the time. Maybe it's only when I'm feeling run down, or frustrated because I'm not where I feel like I should be, or whatever is triggering it. But it's still there sometimes. And it's coming from a place of self doubt, and thinking that who am I to be worthy of all those things?
We are taught to not take too much pride in your looks because its considered vain, told to go to school and get a "good" career, told to abide by these stupid ass "dating rules" that tell us not to be too emotional and text too much, and that the bar and one night stands are what you should be doing in your twenties blah blah blah. But what if all that makes you feel like garbage? And then on top of that, we have our own experiences in life that may perpetuate a lack of self worth.
What if I want to put myself first, and be selfish with my time and money to work out, and eat well and be healthy and look and feel confident? And TAKE THE ODD SELFIE?! WHAT THEN?!? What if I want to say eff what I went to school for - I want a fulfilling exciting career that makes me happy? What if I say I'd rather sit at home watching HIMYM on Netflix with my dog, or girls nights in with my friends and loved ones instead of being at the bar meeting the plethora of d-bags that seem to be out there - knowing full well that one day, some how I'll meet the right guy and I don't need to settle for less in the mean time?
And what if I do all that - guilt free - without any doubts that I am worthy of everything I want. I'm worthy of taking care of myself, I'm worthy of creating a life that fulfills me even if it might be harder and less "stable", and I'm worthy of love and respect and not settling for "casual" - all things that both society, and ourselves, tell us we shouldn't do. Because it breaks the mould of what many people are doing. It breaks the norms. And it breaks the negative, limiting self talk we speak to ourselves on a regular basis.
I was skyping with one of my best friends the other day, and we were talking about this type of thing and she said "I don't know that you've fully ever just let your light shine in every way" (I think she also quoted that movie Coach Carter). And I realized she's 100% right. I've never just been 150% me in every single way. I had a really cool trainer I know mention that I need to think about why maybe I'm allowing my success in fitness to be a road block - a goal I'm afraid to reach. It's probably because I don't think I'm worthy of reaching it, or I'm not worthy of what might come if I do reach it. AND maybe if I reach that one goal I won't be worthy of the other things I want in my life, as if I get one there's no way I'll get the others.
Well Fuuuuuuuuuuck that (sorry I love a good F-bomb). But really. No. I'm done with that! I'm DONE with self-sabotage, and not doing things that align with who I want to be, and what I want in my life, and how I want to live. And if people, or my inner critic doesn't like it...wellll......
Live your life true to what you want, who you want to be, and HOW you want to live. Don't let others OR yourself create doubt, or worry, or fear that you're not worthy of every. single. thing. you want in your life. All of it. You deserve it all. Don't self sabotage. Love yourself, be true to yourself and let all that you are and everything and you want shine through. You'll be happier and healthier that way.
So, I currently feel like garbage. Craptastic eating, next to zero working out, crappy quality sleep, EATING SO MUCH SUGAR I CAN BARELY STAND IT, and a stress overload. The last few months have been so crazy busy at work, and in my life with the move and being a home owner, that I completely let my "self care" go out the window. All of these other things became the priority because I had to get it all dealt with. But did I really have to let my self care out the window? Or did I choose to?
SO as I've written about a bit, I've been going through a lot of transition in my life. Lotsa stuff a changin' and lots of "chapters" coming to an end. I've found myself doing some self reflecting if you will, and realizing some interesting trends in my life. For one, I seem to have this nasty habit of partaking in some self sabotage type habits - like for my own whacky reasons I sometimes sabotage myself when I'm taking really good care of myself. Hey don't judge I think lots of us may do that... One may ask... WHY would anyone not want themselves to be successful? Why would someone be getting further toward some sort of goal, be it career, or a healthy happy relationship, or getting to that jacked lean rockin' bod they've always wanted, and then screw it up for themselves? That seems like silliness doesn't it?
Welp! I think many of us do that! For me (and I'm gunna get personal and a little vulnerable here...I wrote about doing that didn't I?!) I've always yo-yo'd a bit with my weight. I love being active, I love working out, I love being healthy, and I love watching my body change. And then for some reason it stalls. The program I'm doing ends, or I go on vacation OR, things "get busy" and it all goes down the drain. A few months, or years go by and I'm back feeling like garbage again. The same thing has happened in relationships, and in my career quests as well... So why does that keep happening?
Well. Because I don't think I'm worth it. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm hanging out having a rocking saturday night in with Dexter watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix, and am thinking "you know Elyse... You're really not worth taking care of, or being healthy or having an awesome career, having a healthy loving awesome relationship, or any of those things you're working towards. Yaaa you may as well just throw in the towel". It's not a conscious thought. It's not blatant and obvious. But it's there... Dwelling around in my thoughts, in the form of worries, doubts, and rude self thoughts.
When I'm thinking things like "ugh, I look so fat in this ____" or "I'm never going to reach my goal" "who is ever going to work with me, I'm never going to be able to create a career I love" or "IM GOING TO BE ALONE FOREEVVVERRRRR"(just kidding - I don't think that last one.. I've got Dexter..). But seriously. I've had thoughts, worrying I'll never meet a guy with everything I'm looking for, that will treat me well and all that other awesome jazz. These aren't even thoughts I have all the time. Maybe it's only when I'm feeling run down, or frustrated because I'm not where I feel like I should be, or whatever is triggering it. But it's still there sometimes. And it's coming from a place of self doubt, and thinking that who am I to be worthy of all those things?
We are taught to not take too much pride in your looks because its considered vain, told to go to school and get a "good" career, told to abide by these stupid ass "dating rules" that tell us not to be too emotional and text too much, and that the bar and one night stands are what you should be doing in your twenties blah blah blah. But what if all that makes you feel like garbage? And then on top of that, we have our own experiences in life that may perpetuate a lack of self worth.
What if I want to put myself first, and be selfish with my time and money to work out, and eat well and be healthy and look and feel confident? And TAKE THE ODD SELFIE?! WHAT THEN?!? What if I want to say eff what I went to school for - I want a fulfilling exciting career that makes me happy? What if I say I'd rather sit at home watching HIMYM on Netflix with my dog, or girls nights in with my friends and loved ones instead of being at the bar meeting the plethora of d-bags that seem to be out there - knowing full well that one day, some how I'll meet the right guy and I don't need to settle for less in the mean time?
And what if I do all that - guilt free - without any doubts that I am worthy of everything I want. I'm worthy of taking care of myself, I'm worthy of creating a life that fulfills me even if it might be harder and less "stable", and I'm worthy of love and respect and not settling for "casual" - all things that both society, and ourselves, tell us we shouldn't do. Because it breaks the mould of what many people are doing. It breaks the norms. And it breaks the negative, limiting self talk we speak to ourselves on a regular basis.
I was skyping with one of my best friends the other day, and we were talking about this type of thing and she said "I don't know that you've fully ever just let your light shine in every way" (I think she also quoted that movie Coach Carter). And I realized she's 100% right. I've never just been 150% me in every single way. I had a really cool trainer I know mention that I need to think about why maybe I'm allowing my success in fitness to be a road block - a goal I'm afraid to reach. It's probably because I don't think I'm worthy of reaching it, or I'm not worthy of what might come if I do reach it. AND maybe if I reach that one goal I won't be worthy of the other things I want in my life, as if I get one there's no way I'll get the others.
Well Fuuuuuuuuuuck that (sorry I love a good F-bomb). But really. No. I'm done with that! I'm DONE with self-sabotage, and not doing things that align with who I want to be, and what I want in my life, and how I want to live. And if people, or my inner critic doesn't like it...wellll......
Live your life true to what you want, who you want to be, and HOW you want to live. Don't let others OR yourself create doubt, or worry, or fear that you're not worthy of every. single. thing. you want in your life. All of it. You deserve it all. Don't self sabotage. Love yourself, be true to yourself and let all that you are and everything and you want shine through. You'll be happier and healthier that way.
And we all deserve that :)
--Elyse
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