This little light of mine, I'm gunna let it shiiiiiine

(I know you just sang that in your head) - Corny header though hey? I enjoy it. Anyways..

So, I currently feel like garbage. Craptastic eating, next to zero working out, crappy quality sleep, EATING SO MUCH SUGAR I CAN BARELY STAND IT, and a stress overload. The last  few months have been so crazy busy at work, and in my life with the move and being a home owner, that I completely let my "self care" go out the window. All of these other things became the priority because I had to get it all dealt with. But did I really have to let my self care out the window? Or did I choose to?

SO as I've written about a bit, I've been going through a lot of transition in my life. Lotsa stuff a changin' and lots of "chapters" coming to an end. I've found myself doing some self reflecting if you will, and realizing some interesting trends in my life. For one, I seem to have this nasty habit of partaking in some self sabotage type habits - like for my own whacky reasons I sometimes sabotage myself when I'm taking really good care of myself. Hey don't judge I think lots of us may do that...  One may ask... WHY would anyone not want themselves to be successful? Why would someone be getting further toward some sort of goal, be it career, or a healthy happy relationship, or getting to that jacked lean rockin' bod they've always wanted, and then screw it up for themselves? That seems like silliness doesn't it? 

Welp! I think many of us do that! For me (and I'm gunna get personal and a little vulnerable here...I wrote about doing that didn't I?!) I've always yo-yo'd a bit with my weight. I love being active, I love working out, I love being healthy, and I love watching my body change. And then for some reason it stalls. The program I'm doing ends, or I go on vacation OR, things "get busy" and it all goes down the drain. A few months, or years go by and I'm back feeling like garbage again. The same thing has happened in relationships, and in my career quests as well... So why does that keep happening? 

Well. Because I don't think I'm worth it. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm hanging out having a rocking saturday night in with Dexter watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix, and am thinking "you know Elyse... You're really not worth taking care of, or being healthy or having an awesome career, having a healthy loving awesome relationship, or any of those things you're working towards. Yaaa you may as well just throw in the towel". It's not a conscious thought. It's not blatant and obvious. But it's there... Dwelling around in my thoughts, in the form of worries, doubts, and rude self thoughts. 

When I'm thinking things like "ugh, I look so fat in this ____" or "I'm never going to reach my goal" "who is ever going to work with me,  I'm never going to be able to create a career I love" or "IM GOING TO BE ALONE FOREEVVVERRRRR"(just kidding - I don't think that last one.. I've got Dexter..). But seriously. I've had thoughts, worrying I'll never meet a guy with everything I'm looking for, that will treat me well and all that other awesome jazz. These aren't even thoughts I have all the time. Maybe it's only when I'm feeling run down, or frustrated because I'm not where I feel like I should be, or whatever is triggering it. But it's still there sometimes. And it's coming from a place of self doubt, and thinking that who am I to be worthy of all those things?

We are taught to not take too much pride in your looks because its considered vain, told to go to school and get a "good" career, told to abide by these stupid ass "dating rules" that tell us not to be too emotional and text too much, and that the bar and one night stands are what you should be doing in your twenties blah blah blah. But what if all that makes you feel like garbage? And then on top of that, we have our own experiences in life that may perpetuate a lack of self worth.

What if I want to put myself first, and be selfish with my time and money to work out, and eat well and be healthy and look and feel confident? And TAKE THE ODD SELFIE?! WHAT THEN?!? What if I want to say eff what I went to school for - I want a fulfilling exciting career that makes me happy? What if I say I'd rather sit at home watching HIMYM on Netflix with my dog, or girls nights in with my friends and loved ones instead of being at the bar meeting the plethora of d-bags that seem to be out there - knowing full well that one day, some how I'll meet the right guy and I don't need to settle for less in the mean time?

And what if I do all that - guilt free - without any doubts that I am worthy of everything I want. I'm worthy of taking care of myself, I'm worthy of creating a life that fulfills me even if it might be harder and less "stable", and I'm worthy of love and respect and not settling for "casual" - all things that both society, and ourselves, tell us we shouldn't do. Because it breaks the mould of what many people are doing. It breaks the norms. And it breaks the negative, limiting self talk we speak to ourselves on a regular basis.

I was skyping with one of my best friends the other day, and we were talking about this type of thing and she said "I don't know that you've fully ever just let your light shine in every way" (I think she also quoted that movie Coach Carter). And I realized she's 100% right. I've never just been 150% me in every single way. I had a really cool trainer I know mention that I need to think about why maybe I'm allowing my success in fitness to be a road block - a goal I'm afraid to reach. It's probably because I don't think I'm worthy of reaching it, or I'm not worthy of what might come if I do reach it. AND maybe if I reach that one goal I won't be worthy of the other things I want in my life, as if I get one there's no way I'll get the others.

Well Fuuuuuuuuuuck that (sorry I love a good F-bomb). But really. No. I'm done with that! I'm DONE with self-sabotage, and not doing things that align with who I want to be, and what I want in my life, and how I want to live. And if people, or my inner critic doesn't like it...wellll......

Live your life true to what you want, who you want to be, and HOW you want to live. Don't let others  OR yourself create doubt, or worry, or fear that you're not worthy of every. single. thing. you want in your life. All of it. You deserve it all. Don't self sabotage. Love yourself, be true to yourself and let all that you are and everything and you want shine through. You'll be happier and healthier that way. 

And we all deserve that :)

--Elyse

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...

And I'm feeling good...

I am sitting in bed, on the last night being in my house. Everyone has been asking me if I am excited, and I always was just kind of meh - it felt like so far away, and still so much to do before it was actually going to happen. Yet here I am. And I'm overwhelmed with emotion. 

I was talking to my good friend Natalie (from http://happyrockinlife.com) about all of this and she said something that has really made me think.... She said "I really believe that our houses have souls of sorts". 

That totally got me thinking...This house has a part of my soul. This house was my grandparents house. I spent years of my childhood here. I have so many memories; growing up in this back yard having camp fires and family dinners, the living room covered in 70's wall paper playing reception on the afternoons my parents were at work, running around the park below my house playing in the leaves with my grandparents, the most ridiculous inappropriate halloween costumes in the bin in the basement... oh how I could go on. 

Not only was it the house of my grandparents, but it's been my home for the last 4 years. After getting out of a troublesome relationship, I moved back home for a year while in school, and eventually found myself here, living in this house. 

It was my first major taste of independence. Being truly on my own. My life completely changed after that. And somewhere along the way I stopped loving myself. I made choices out of desperation and pain; I settled for too much "less than stellar" treatment from boys because I thought something was better than nothing; I hurt people and let them hurt me back; I lost my way and I lost myself. I cried a lot in this house, fought a lot in this house, but in the end... I GREW a lot in this house. In those 4 years, who I was completely changed. The girl who moved in here, is not the same one leaving tomorrow. 

I really didn't think I would be sad, yet when I look around the rooms in this house - every single one has a memory linked to it - of a time in my life that felt like chaos (sprinkled with some happy fun times - don't get me wrong). It's funny that I feel like something as simple as moving to a new home, is the end of a chapter in my life. But it is... This chapter was one that broke me down completely, so I could become who I needed to. I feel like I'm grieving that sad girl who once lived here, and by saying goodbye to her, and all the things I went through in this house, I am opening myself up for all of the amazing things to come.  

I felt, on my birthday this past month, that my 27th year would be one like I've never experienced. It would be new, it would be exciting, and it would be the first time I'm truly living my best life, as my best self. Sure we will always grow and be better and I am by no means perfect, but for once I feel like I know who I am and what I want. Just like when I moved into this house, when I move out - everything will have changed.



Someone recently said to me "the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour", and while I understand how in some cases that can be very true (especially if people see no issue or take no accountability for said behaviour), I think it can also be very false. If I predicted my future behaviour by my past...well. That would suck. Thankfully, it's not my future!

It's both poetic and beautiful really... The end of an era, both physically and emotionally coming to a close all at the same time. Kinda cool how life works out like that. 

This post ended up more just being a way for me to process all this stuff I was feeling. But I guess - in hopes of relating it back to anyone reading this - if I could leave with you with asking yourself if you're truly living, breathing and being who you truly want to be. If when you look in the mirror of your life, you really feel like the person being shown to you is who and what you want to see. 

Are you being what you need to be? Are you being someone who is authentic and true and in line with their best self? Are you being your perfectly imperfect self? And if not - how can you look at your present life and grow from it?

I want for you to look back at those "broken" times - and no longer see them as pain, but see them as growth, and set out in a new direction while smiling at the past.

--Elyse
xoxo


 P.S. - I love Oprah. She's the shit. Thank's for the quotes!

Decisions, decisions

WHY ARE DECISIONS SO HARD?!?!

I've realized the past while, that I have a super hard time making decisions. A little while ago it came to my attention that I was playing the same pattern over and over again in many areas of my life. Decisions about relationships, about careers, about what to do that night or weekend were decisions I was flip flopping back and forth about a hundred times! Why is it so hard? It seems ridiculous. I don't know how many times I hear people, or I myself have said "I just wish someone would tell me what to do". Why do we want OTHERS to be able to make our decisions for us? Isn't that one of the greatest things we have - the power to choose?

WELL because, for me anyways, I'm so afraid to make the "wrong" decision. I'm afraid someone will judge me, or I'll cause myself stress, or pain, or I'm afraid of all the "what if's" that go along with any scenario on this earth. So I guess my question is - who the eff cares? I'm not talking about life threatening choices like doing crystal meth (insert fat Amy quote):

but when you're talking about general life decisions, is there such thing as making the wrong decision? What defines something as wrong or right? FOR INSTANCE, I just bought a condo. Big ass decision right there. Lost sleep over that one. I went back and forth worrying about it. Was it the "right thing"? Everyone had an opinion (lots were very helpful), everyone has things they liked, and things they were concerned about or told me to look into. And I spent time thinking and mulling over all the THINGS that I needed to consider. But I also spent time worrying about  what others would think, or the potential risks and what ifs that go along with a big life changer like this. But I did my research, and I looked into all my options, and thought about my needs, and what I wanted. And most importantly I checked in with myself. After taking in all this information about one of the biggest purchases of my life - what felt right? All the advice, all the information - all had a role, but ultimately it was up to me to decide how I felt about it all. And trust that. And go with it, even if it's scary.

I've had experiences throughout my life where I am certain I've been judged for my decisions. Whether it was choices about guys, friends judging each other in high school, choices about my career and changing my mind 800 times or taking steps toward my dream career - whatever that is - etc. I've talked to friends who have felt like they've been judged for choices about the type of weddings they've had, their choice of lifestyle (again, not talking robbing banks or something),  choice of partner, buying a house vs renting an apartment, who you're friends with, who you're not friends with, whatever.  Lots of people do it, and lots of people have had it done to them, and I've been on both sides of it various times in my life.

Why the hell do we do that? Why do we judge people for the decisions that they make about their OWN lives? Don't we think they know what's best for them? Don't we think WE know what's best for us? And really, whats the worst case scenario? So I make the wrong career move, or date the wrong person, or buy a car that ends up being a lemon... so what?! It may cause me some stress or pain or whatever, sure - but if I learn and grow from it isn't that a net positive? Even if I make a mistake, is that the end of the world? I could go back and say that I've made some decisions in my life that certainly made things "harder" for me at the time. But when I look at who I am now, and who I've grown to become and all the things I've learned from those hard painful stressful times, I'm pretty damn pleased with myself and who I am.

We learn through trial and error. We learn from mistakes and "wrong" choices. We learn from great choices and the happiest of times. We learn from choices. Period. So lets all let each other make choices, and learn, and grow, and experience pain, and be happy, and experience joy - all of it. Let's trust that everyone knows what's best for them and allow people to make their choices, and support them no matter what. Let's take away the judgement. And allow people to trust themselves rather than worry about listening to us and all our judgey-judgerson thoughts. Let's just BE THERE. When it turns out people make the right decision for them - we celebrate it. When they make a decision that maybe causes stress or pain, we are there for that too. And let's trust ourselves to make the best decision for us, with all the information we have at the time. If it blows up in our faces - well then hopefully we learn some lessons from it.

You never know which "right" or "wrong" scary ass choice is going to be the perfect thing that you need, at the perfect time. And for that reason alone, we are lucky to have the choice. With every scary choice we make, there's the opportunity for something to be a new exciting chapter in your life. Like becoming a home owner for the first time :)

--Elyse

Why can't we just love ourselves?

So there's this catchy-ass song out called "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor. See below if you haven't heard it yet:

Anywhoo - it's being tagged as a self esteem anthem for women to sing along to. It talks all about loving yourself despite not being a size two, and that "every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top". This song HAS been criticized a bit because it is seen as shaming thin women, and talking about how the boys like a little more booty to hold on to at night. Well I for one don't give a shiz what the boys do or don't like. BUT REGARDLESS... I think catchy, POPULAR, songs that challenge the stereotypes created by todays pop culture is a good start. Maybe we have some work in the arena of accepting ALL women and their shapes and sizes, and supporting the idea of self esteem as not caring what anyone does or doesn't like. But this is a start. And I like it.

Back to the point...Why is it that most of us, when we look in the mirror,  pick ourselves apart? I am 100% guilty of this. I look at my legs or my butt or my tummy and wish it looked differently. Why is that? What's wrong with how it looks now? And not only that, but why do we need to look at our bodies and think they look like anything - good or bad? Why can't it just be. Why can't our bodies just BE something, a vessel, that allow us to do all of the things we want to do?

My "big" legs allow me to squat more than some guys (not going to lie that one makes me happy). They've carried me through half marathons (and more to come right Miss Dayna?!? :), they've hiked my ass up big ol' mountains, and they let me enjoy beautiful river valley walks with Dexter. Why must I look at them and only see them as looking a certain way, and on top of that being upset they don't look the way that someone else's does? Why is it that we reduce our bodies to looking a certain way? Why is THAT what it's all about? 

It needs to stop. 

I'm part of this amazing group of women on Facebook that was brought together by a fitness program of all things. A lovely lady by the name of Amanda Adams, who I follow on Instagram, created a fitness program and I thought "Hey, why not?!". Well little did I know, her program and the group that we were a part of changed my life. She's trying to change the face of fitness. And the way women feel about themselves. It's not just about abs, and a certain workout to make you look a certain way and eating asparagus and chicken breast day in and day out. It's about balance, loving yourself, living your life, and being happy. My blog today, was inspired by hers and you should check it out: http://www.amandaadams.com/dressingroom/

In Amanda's blog she says "Well, I want to change it. (she's referring to our mindsets about our bodies) How do we? In a perfect world, women would focus more on taking care of their bodies for health reasons instead of pant sizes. In a perfect world for me, women of all sizes would be taking as many dang selfies as they want because they feel f-ing good about themselves, and buy that dress because it makes their eyes pop. They wouldn’t be scared that someone would come back with a negative comment about their wardrobe, or worse, their body. In a perfect world,women would compliment other women, “Dang girl, you look good!” even if they couldn’t relate to their goal, their lifestyle or agreed on their wardrobe choice."

One of my beautiful friends, Natalie Marshall, (http://www.happyrockinlife.com ) that I met through the Amanda Adams Fitness program posted this beautiful video that really struck a chord with me:

As Natalie asked - can we challenge ourselves to stop this negative talk? Can we stop justifying the place we are at now? And just love where we are, and who we are, and move forward from there?

There's NOTHING wrong with having goals. There's NOTHING wrong with wanting to create change for yourself. But can't we do it from a place of "I'm the shit already, and I want to be even more awesome"? Can we set goals and challenge ourselves from a place of love? We should be loving where we are currently at, while deciding that we want to do more, do better, and treat our bodies better because it feels good, and because it gives us energy to have fun and live life.

And can we decide that we are going to stop this negative self talk shit? Seriously. The young girls in this world see it, they hear it, and it changes them. And as much as none of us that do this sort of thing ever intend to hurt these young girls - the bottom line is we are. Lets stop that. And in the process we get to be happier too!

We need more people in the world like the ones above. We need more people in the world to say EFFFF photoshop, EFFFF hating on our bodies, EFFFF "perfection", and EFFFF putting anyone down - be it ourselves or others. Can you be that person?

As a final note - we need more people who say things like this:

I had this conversation with a beautiful young girl in my life. And it made my heart smile to read this. Being healthy, working out, and all of that stuff is about so much more than looking a certain way. Lets focus our health and fitness efforts on they way we feel, and how it can aid us in living a great life full of energy, fun, and happiness with those that we love. 

Eff the rest of it :)

- Elyse

Can't get much more vulnerable than writing a blog..

This is my first blog post ever. How in the hell did that happen? Honestly, I don't even know. If you had asked me 5 years ago, even ONE year ago, if this was something I'd be doing I'd say you're crazy.  Generally these days we all share things on Facebook, we all share images of our lives on Instagram or give our quick thoughts on Twitter... but this is a whole other level of sharing. I would always admire those people who could write well and share their lives in this entertaining fascinating way and could actually get people reading their stuff! How do they do it?! I wish I could do that. Naaah I never could. What do I even have to say? Annnnd here we are. Maybe no one will read this. Maybe my mom will be the only one, out of duty to support her daughter on whatever random thing she's doing today. Actually I don't even think I told her I was writing a blog. Surprise Karen! Regardless..Here I am, writing a blog, about stuff. 

These past 5 years I've really been working on "finding myself"...whatever that means. Sometimes I've lost myself. Sometimes I've done dummmmb shit. Sometimes I've made two great steps forward, only to take ten steps back. Sometimes I stayed exactly where I was, not moving any which way. And sometimes I've done things that actually made me happy (weird! Isn't that what we all should be doing?! Yet often we aren't! Why?!). 

But one thing I've realized is that the times when I'm the happiest, in all the different ways, is when I've been vulnerable. When I've opened myself up and overcome the fear of making an ass of myself, failing at something, trying something new, or showing someone I care about who I really am (that's a reaaaal toughie) it's been some of the happiest, most exciting and scariest times of my life. Apparently that's vulnerability for you. 

One of my favourite books (well from what I've read of it- I have a nasty habit of not finishing even the greatest of books, but I have every intention to!) is called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. This book talks all about this ridiculousness called vulnerability, and how we are all so afraid to live it, yet when we do we live more fulfilling, happier lives. It talks about how if we can embrace vulnerability and imperfection, we can set ourselves free to live a fulfilled, happy, joyful life.

If you don't wanna read a whole book, I won't judge... Because clearly I haven't even finished it (I swear I will one day). But you should at least watch her Ted talk! It's only twenty minutes and it's twenty minutes well spent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

So, here I am. A step to being vulnerable. A step to owning my story. A step toward everything I'm hungry for! 

I know some people may wonder... What is this blog about? Why am I writing a blog? Lots of people write blogs about travelling, or some cool exciting new thing they are doing, or maybe they write about their business or their area of expertise. Welllllll I don't really have any of that. I just have a lot of shit I've learned, a lot more shit I plan on learning, and maybe someone would like to hear about it. Maybe not. Either way I'll keep plugging along!  :) It'll lead to something eventually right? So that's what this blog is about. My next steps to finding (more) happiness, (more) health, and (more) self-love. 

Maybe this blog looks ridiculous, and maybe its poorly written, and maybe no one wants to read it! But at least it's me, trying to be vulnerable. How can you be more vulnerable? I hear it's a good thing to try and do :)

- Elyse

One day I'd like to have some sweet "sign off" at the end of my blogs. Today I'll just settle for my name